The 2013 Hate List

Canataloupe...Just one of the MANY things I hate
Canataloupe…Just one of the MANY things I hate

You might as well admit it, there are things in life you hate. Trying to say you don’t “hate” anything, or anyone, just makes you a liar. And I hate that.

Sure, it can be something simple. For example, I hate cantaloupe. My older daughter, Maddo, and my wife, The Thoroughly Awesome Ms. Crums, love it. But me? When I see a cantaloupe in the house, I feel like risking breaking my foot on punting it off the back deck and letting the skunks, squirrels and other vermin that call the Oakland Hills home fight over it.

Of course, with my luck, the seeds of that cantaloupe would end up taking root in the dirt off our deck and then I would have a damn field of cantaloupe to piss me off. And I hate that.

So, with that, I am breaking out my latest edition of The Hate List. And by “latest edition” I mean the first time I have done this in four years. Here we go with a partly tongue-in-cheek list of 25 things I hate. If you have any self-respect, or feel like the human race is worth saving, then you will hate them, too.


1. Excessive use of the hashtag

2. #Those #who #think #every #word #they #write #or #post #needs #a #hashtag

3. Being late for anything (Even with two little kids as an excuse, I still can’t stand turning up late for an appointment/event/pub crawl.)

4. Retiring NBA Commissioner David Stern (Worse than Hitler? Maybe not. Worse than Stalin, hepatitis and a day at Burning Man put together? Definitely.)

5. Clay Bennett (He knows why.)

6. Starbucks CEO, and former Seattle SuperSonics owner Howard Schultz (He REALLY knows why.)

7. Littering

8. Decaf

9. Light Beer

10. Bros who live for weekends on “the lake” fueled by light beer

11. A certain condition I refer to as “Unfortunate Hair”. (I will let you know if you suffer from it.)

12. Al-Qaeda

13. The New York Yankees (Unless they were playing against Al-Qaeda. Even then, it might be a push)

14. Did I mention cantaloupe earlier?

15. Militant vegans (Just unhappy people, in general)

16. Jimmy Carter (For giving away the Panama Canal)

17. The guy who decides the perfect time to find his way to his seat during a ballgame is right when someone is in the middle of an at-bat (A violation of Rule No. 3 here)

18. Country Time Lemonade-Flavored Drink Beverage

19. Aerosmith (May be the most-overrated gang of musicians in the history of rock. And that includes Bob Marley, The Clash and Bruce Springsteen. And speaking of Bruce…)

20. Bruce Springsteen (Like 99% of America, I once loved The Boss. Then he started writing songs from the perspective of wrecking balls and other shit. And I gave up. Like he should)

21. Those goddamn squirrels that have figured out how to get the birdseed out of my “squirrel-proof” bird feeder.

22. A blended margarita when one on the rocks is available

23. People who think they shouldn’t vaccinate their kids

24. Ribeye steak that is cooked beyond rare. In some circumstances, medium rare is acceptable. (And DO NOT use steak sauce)

25. Myself, for causing my Beloved Seattle Mariners to lose the 2000 American League Championship Series to the New York Yankees. The Mariners were up 4-0 in Game Six, and looking to tie the Series, but because I grilled up NEW YORK that night, I KNOW I caused them to lose.

I know. It’s superstitious and crazy. But I also know I should have stuck with the ribeye.


  1. Hahahaha great list! See from your last post that you are somewhat supersticious too when it comes to your team. Same here man… I used to have a lucky shirt, but after 9 straight wins it let me down twice… Must have been a different washing powder or smt. Plus there are certain friends that are not alowed to watch a game with me since they jinx every match haha


    • So true on the superstitions…I’m so insane that I’m not superstitious in any other aspect of life, but when it comes to my sports teams, that’s almost all I believe in. Half the time, I don’t even want to WATCH the Mariners on TV because I’m afraid I will cause them to lose.


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