Ever since Netflix added online video streaming, I have spent countless hours trolling through Netflix’s library and adding titles to my online queue. In fact, I spend way more time going over videos and adding them to my queue than I do actually watching anything. Just this week, Netflix read my mind, brought back my all-time favorite movie “Apocalypse Now” [both the original and the “Redux” versions]. I immediately added it back to my queue.
Not that I bloody will get a chance any time soon to stream “Apocalypse Now” on my 50-inch hi-def Panasonic plasma TV that’s mounted on my living room wall. My daughters, Maddo and Little Sis, are just 4 and 2 and as much as I would like to introduce them to the nuances of Francis Ford Coppola’s cinematic masterwork, even I have to admit that it might be a little much for them to take in the scene of Robert Duvall’s Lt. Col. Kilgore’s air cavalry assault on the beach held by the Viet Cong.
“Charlie don’t surf!” shouts Duvall/Kilgore in one of “Apocalypse Now’s” most-famous lines. And Daddy don’t watch many of his shows on the Big TV, either. At least not when the girls are awake.
As such, we watch a lot of kids shows via Netflix. And my daughters are smart, too. Almost as soon as Maddo walks in the door, she’s asking, “Daddy? Can I watch ‘Pocahontas II: Electric Boogaloo’ on Netflix on the TV?” Never mind that we’ve watched that about 538 times already. The requests for more shows on Netflix go on and on, etc., ad nauseum.
Netflix knows what you watch, too, and it uses this data to come up with a Top 10 line of “suggestions” for you based on your prior viewing history. And since my kids watch so much tuff on Netflix, I decided to really delve into what Netflix thinks are the Top 10 suggestions for me. I intend to do this from time to time, or at least until “The Expendables 2” makes it to the top of the list.
So, on with the feature, which I am dubbing “Rexflix”.
[All listings were current as of July 17, 2013, the day I started working on this screed.]
Orange Is The New Black (2013)
Netflix Description: Piper must trade her comfortable New York life for an orange prison jumpsuit when her decade-old relationship with a drug runner catches up with her.
Rexflix Description: This is Netflix’s latest foray into original programming and is probably why it’s at the top of my Top 10 even though I have yet to watch it. So far, it’s gotten pretty good reviews. All that really matters is that every guy loves the fantasy of women’s prison movies/shows, and with OITNB, we get the chance to see Taylor Schilling naked in 13 one-hour episodes.
The Jungle Book: The Movie (2010)
Netflix Description: There’s trouble in the jungle, and as usual, Mowgli and Mani are at the center of it all! While they enjoy their time drumming away at logs in the jungle, Shere Khan plots to put an end to the noise.
Rexflix Description: Even today, Rudyard Kipling gets cited as a literary giant for creating “The Jungle Book” although I can’t find a single person who can tell me what the story is about. Ask “What’s ‘The Jungle Book’ about?” to most social-networking narcissists these days and they are likely to think it’s a title to a Kanye West album.
Netflix Description: Delightfully sweet sisters Blossom, Bubbles and Buttercup have dedicated their lives to saving the world from crime and fighting the forces of evil.
Rexflix Description: Neither I, nor my daughters, have watched an episode of this show. However, had I known “Blossom”, “Bubbles” or “Buttercup” were the main characters, yet didn’t know the show’s title, I would have thought I was getting introduced to Charlie Sheen’s new “goddesses”.
The New Woody Woodpecker Show (1999-2002)
Netflix Description: The new Woody Woodpecker animated series presents a fresh take on the favorite Walter Lantz characters that first came to life in 1941.
Rexflix Description: When I was a kid, I always thought Woody Woodpecker was like a poor man’s Bugs Bunny, and Walter Lantz was a poor man’s Walt Disney. I don’t think the “New” Woody of ’99-’02 would do anything to change my mind.
Spider-Man And His Amazing Friends (1981)
Netflix Description: Joined by his friends Firestar and Iceman, the amazing Spider-Man swings into battle against New York City’s most dangerous villains
Rexflix Description: Another show that neither I, nor my daughters, have ever watched. I can only guess this is showing up because of some kind of Netflix-Algorithmic-Hero-Character connection created by Maddo’s recent near-constant watching of Disney’s animated “Hercules” movie. In any case, I never really got into Spider-Man, maybe because he has a hyphen in his name.
The Land Before Time III (1995)
Netflix Description: After a meteorite blocks their water supply, thirsty dinosaurs that once lived together in peace begin to fight, and one dino decides to save the day.
Rexflix Description: This sounds like it was made by the people who made “Sharknado”. If only Ian Ziering were in it.
Netflix Description: Pop star Katy Perry is captured on and offstage in this revealing diary of her California Dreams Tour, featuring her Los Angeles performances.
Rexflix Description: Just seeing this show up in my Top 10 suggestions makes me want to light myself on fire,
Netflix Description: When Cruella De Vil dognaps 15 Dalmatian puppies to make them into a fur coat, their parents rally all the city’s animals to come to their rescue.
Rexflix Description: Dalmatians! The dog that everyone loves, but [almost] no one owns! This Disney flick has Glenn Close as Cruella De Vil, and Glenn is pretty much awesome in anything she does, but…A dog fur coat? Even I might join PETA in protesting that.
Bratz: Babyz: The Movie (2005)
Netflix Description: When twins Nora and Nita lose their puppy at the hands of a bully looking to collect a ransom, the Bratz girls are on the case
Rexflix Description: Isn’t the phrase, “The Bratz girls are on the case.” just what every victim of any felony wants to hear? Bonus points [I guess?] for using not one, but TWO colons in the title
The Land Before Time II: The Great Valley Adventure (1994)
Netflix Description: Littlefoot and his pals are back! Now living in the Great Valley, the tiny reptiles spot a pair of egg thieves from a secret hideaway they’ve made.
Rexflix Description: Jeez…More cartoonish “crime”. If I don’t watch “Land Before Time II [Electric Boogaloo…And yes, I do say that for every sequel with a “II” or a “2” in the title] do you think there’s a chance I won’t get the plot for “Land Before Time III”?
Right now, as I finish this, I am watching Ken Burns’ PBS documentary “Prohibition”. I can’t wait to see if this tale of booze bootleggers has any effect on my Top 10 suggestions the next time I check in on them. If my daughters keep owning the playlist, the odds are probably low.
REX CRUM 