I recently offered my 10-year-old daughter three bucks to give me a hand washing my truck. And if you have kids for whom the idea of “physical activity” is creating new characters and scenes in Roblox, this experience turned out like you expected.
My daughter wanted the money, sure, because how else is she going to buy Roblox bucks? (Which, I believe are called “Robux”, but I’m, not sure. For me, keeping up with the difference between “Roblox” and “Robux” is similar to how so many people in my Seattle Mariners Facebook group can’t tell when to correctly use “there”, “their” and “they’re”.) As much as I tried to teach her the proper way to wash a vehicle, including which settings on the hose sprayer to use at the proper times, she was more interested in just shooting water all over the driveway than rinsing the soap off before the suds began to cake on top of the truck’s roof.
What she liked best was just cranking the head of the sprayer nozzle to try out all nine different settings. This was a far cry from how we sprayed water from a hose when I was a kid. Back in the day, we had to press our thumbs on the end of a hose if we wanted to get the water spraying around at any level we could use to wash a car. On the rare occasion my parents paid the $1.75 to spring for a real water sprayer, that thing had just one setting and that was full-bore, firemen fighting a three-alarm blaze level.
But like refillable soda stations at McDonald’s and having approximately 27 different kinds of Oreo cookies available at the grocery store, many things from our younger days have gotten better. And you can add water-spraying technology to that list. You’re not getting your full hosing-dollar’s worth unless that nozzle comes with at least nine different settings. However, like Netflix programming, where you might re-watch “Stranger Things” multiple times, but never check out Jamie Foxx’s new show (It’s called “Dad, Stop Embarrassing Me”, by the way) there are settings on your backyard sprayer that get used all the time and those that you probably don’t know even exist.
So, without further ado, here is the definitive ranking of sprayer options that as you turn the dial on your nozzle will help you fulfill all your hosing needs…
- Jet (For when you really want to act like you’re putting out that three-alarm blaze. Also good for letting that goddamn squirrel know that he will get blasted wherever he tries to get into the bird feeder.)
- Shower (Perfect for rinsing off the car, watering plants, or soaking the kids from your side deck when they are messing around in the yard below.)
- Vertical (One of the newer sprayer options. Good for when you want to put in a little effort, yet cover a lot of area at the same time. Like when you need to hit more than one squirrel that’s trying to get into the bird feeder.)
- Cone (Not a bad choice, but lacks the power of the jet or vertical settings)
- Fan (Like a poor man’s vertical)
- Mist (For when you want to cool yourself off and not put down your beer at the same time.)
- Center (A decent second option when you want to alternate with the jet setting. Good for close-up dousing of those squirrels that are trying to get into the bird feeder.)
- Flat (The name says it all.)
- Soaker (A decent option for drowning your plants. Or, if you aren’t serious about teaching a lesson to those squirrels that are trying to get into the bird feeder.)
Whatever you choose, it will probably at least be more useful than just sticking your thumb over the end of the hose. And if your kid is at the control, prepare to get wetter than your truck during its washing session.